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Talk:Lixis/@comment-3569609-20111224004946
Lixis, This page is quite good but lacks some things....Also this is not intended to be harsh or rude or whatever, if it is then my highest apologies because I just want to help you :) Let's get started with the infobox; 1) Not that important, but it's nicer to read when a capital letter is used to start a sentence. 2) You say your species are "Oni", so elaborate it a bit more. 3) The "Occupation", "Position" and "Crew" parts are basically the same, so delete one of them. 4) Now were getting to the bounty part....... *4.1) 35 Million for destroying..wait for it...the navy headquarters! oh sorry, "a" navy headquarter XD. So laughing aside, the Navy Headquarters is, as the name suggests, the headquarters of the whole navy! There is just one marine HQ and that is the one that even whitebeard and many pirates couldn't destroy...so doing something that WB couldn't even do is worth WAY more the 35 million. And if you meant a Marine Base (which you obviously did) then you should reduce it a bit since Luffy got no bounty for it. *4.2)...Yeah....Well first of all 950 000 is less then 35 000 000....and destroying towns don't grant you a bounty. (example Blackbeard, who even destroyed a kingdom) *4.3) Pheww bounties last point; your newest bounty is good, but yeah, Navy headquarterS do not exist and destroying towns don't grant bounties. The DF is okay i guess, it kinda defies logic, but it's acceptable. (cool idea though) So I guess we jump ahead to the written parts. 6.1) The first sentence of the "Past" part has way to many linking words, so make multiple sentences instead of one big unclear one. 6.2) What ship? And elborate the mother a bit more. 6.3) Your last sentence makes no sense at all... Done with the past, up to the weapons and abilities!! (skipped the bounty part because...well you know) 7) Minor. Speak a bit more about your own powers and explain what keito is XD Ok now the appearances. (is this going smooth or is this going smooth?) 8) Very minor...it has to be "muscles" instead of "muscle". Also when he transforms into water you mean it's for an hour or for a few minutes and nothing in between...? just say a max amount of time and everyone will understand. Again, elaborate the "Oni" things. 9) Quotes..............D.E.L.E.T.E. I.T. (For real, when reading that part for the first time I honestly believed "hello", "good morning" and "how are you" would be in there...those things are not quotes...) 10) Nothing to say against the pet (maybe elaborate what the experiment was all about...?), cute photo :) 11) Almost there now, just the personnality left...well it isn't a nightmare, but the structure is extremely off, so check that and it's perfect :) Well that was it, you choose if you change it or not. This is just my personal opinion so you shouldn't feel obligated to change it, but those are just some hints ^^